Goodbye
I wonder if anyone would notice if I just leave. Just slip quietly out of this crowded room and flee into the cool Sydney night. But I know that I can't. I can't disappear anymore. There's only one way for me to escape all this, and it's the one thing I still don't know if I can do.
"Paul?"
I shake myself free from my thoughts and look up. Richard is standing there holding two cans of beer, one of which he holds out to me.
"You look like you could use a drink."
"Thanks mate."
I take the beer and crack it open. I've lost count of how many I've drunk already, but I don't really care anymore. I always seem to go to extremes when I'm drinking. Either I am the life of the party or I stand in the corner not talking to anyone and wallowing in my own self-pity. Lately it has all too often been the latter.
"You okay?"
"I'm fine."
That's such an automatic response lately. The one that I always give. Just tell everyone you're fine and they'll accept it, they'll believe you without hesitation and won't ask anymore questions.
But it's different with Rich. He knows me; he knows when I'm not fine. I can't look up at him, I'm afraid to. I'm afraid that if he looks into my eyes then he will know just how not fine I am. In all honesty I think that deep down he already knows.
His hand upon my shoulder forces me to look up. As he looks into my eyes his expression turns to one of almost fear. He knows, he can see it as plain as day. I go to speak but cannot form the words. I blink away the tears that are forming and run from the room as fast as I can.
I stumble blindly through the building, tears now streaming down my face, ignoring the looks of people around me. They're always staring at me, always around me, always thinking they understand but never truly knowing me. I know that I cannot take it anymore.
"Paul wait!"
I can hear Rich calling me but I don't dare turn around. I just continue to run. I make my way out of the building and jump into the first taxi that I see. I look out the window and meet Rich's gaze just before the cab speeds off down the road.
I sit on the deserted beach, looking out at the beautiful view in front of me. I've sat here so many times over the years, alone with my thoughts, just the way I like it. I wish my life could be like that again. I wish I could just slip back into the woodwork, to not be famous, not be confronted every single day by people who make the mistake of thinking that they know me.
I pull my latest notebook and a pen from my jacket pocket. I rip out a blank page and then start to write. All my feelings come out onto that page as I write everything that I'm feeling, the truth about me finally revealed. I didn't want things to end this way, but I'm afraid that I've run out of options.
I sit there in silence, staring at the sunrise that is appearing over the horizon. Every morning I used to come down here and sit and watch the sunrise, it's the most perfect thing in the world. And it's the last thing that my eyes ever see as I slice open my wrists, feeling the warm blood trickle down my skin as I fall back onto the sand.
***
I can see my lifeless body lying on the sand. I can see Richard walking towards me, the tears already falling down his face. He drops to his knees beside me, leaning down to kiss my forehead softly. He then notices the note in my hand, reaching down to retrieve it.
Dear Richard,
I know within my heart that you'll be the first one to find me, and you'll also find this note. All I can say is I'm sorry. I hope you'll believe me when I say I didn't want to leave you, not like this, but I just didn't know what else to do.
You were my best friend in the whole world, and you knew me better than anyone. It is for that reason that I know nothing I say in this note is going to make a difference, you already know my reasons for doing this and I hope that in time you will come to understand them and to forgive me.
I love you Richard. I always have and I always will. And I know our love is strong enough that not even death can tear us apart. I'll always be with you in spirit and I pray that I will always have a place in your heart. I know that one day I will see you again, and we can be together for eternity, just like we're meant to be.
If anyone else wants to know why I did this, could they really understand? I don't think that they could. To everyone else I simply have this to say:
'No one ever understood my life, so it won't surprise me if no one understands my death either. The world doesn't understand me, nor do I understand it. And I can no longer live in a world like that. Goodbye.'
Paul.
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