It's The Same - Part 1

He was watching me.

Although I wasn't facing him, I could feel his eyes staring at my back. He was breathing softly, not moving, just lying in silence. Staring. At me.

I kept my eyes closed. I said nothing, pretending I was still asleep. Occasionally I coughed, or snuggled my head further into the pillow provided to us by the hotel. It wasn't the nicest smelling pillow i've ever had my head placed on, but our budget was getting tight and for the last week or so we'd had to be living El Cheapo. The tension in the room was getting increasingly dangerous - the more Paul's eyes drilled into my back, the faster my heart pounded.

Then it happened. I heard slight rustling coming from his side of the bed, then I could feel the tips of his fingers making contact with my bare shoulder. I was instantly paralyzed, and I must've stiffened slightly, because his fingers retracted. I heard him sigh, very quietly, and I felt guilty. We both knew that this moment was going to come - it was bound to - but I made the mistake of not preparing for it. So instead of turning to him, smiling and cradling him in my arms, my lips meeting his for the first time...I was almost hanging off the edge of the bed, clinging to the corner of my pillow, a bead of sweat threatening to trickle down my forehead. I was new to all this - what should I say or do? How would he react? Would it be the fireworks-and-party-favours sort of experience I often thought it would be?

Before I could answer my own questions, the fingers returned. He was touching my shoulder so lightly that I could hardly tell they were there. It was so silent in the room that I thought I could hear my own heart beating, harder and faster. The fingers traced a circle around my shoulder, then travelled up my neck, and laced slowly through my hair. His breath was soft and comfortably warm against my bare skin, and I gradually felt myself begin to relax.

"Rich..." I heard him whisper, barely audible at first, then he said my name again. "Rich..." I didn't respond at first, terrified of saying or doing the wrong thing. We were so close now, and just one step further, the tiniest of steps, and there would be no turning back, for either of us. One little slip-up from me and it could ruin everything. We'd go back to pretending there was nothing more, like we had all this time before.

He removed his fingers again, and he shuffled slightly closer to me. For a moment I wasn't sure of what he was going to do, and I began to worry that, because I hadn't responded, he had thought I was brushing him off, telling him I didn't want this as badly as he did. Then his arm draped over my waist, and he planted two gentle kisses on my neck. That was it - we had crossed the line. I responded to his touch by reaching up and intertwining my fingers in his, squeezing them delicately. If it was possible to hear someone smile, I could hear him. I felt sorry for the darling. Being so cautious and so hesitant, all the while worried that I might turn him away. But I would never do that. Not to him.

"Rich..." he whispered again, leaning up and softly whispering into my ear. He was silent for a moment before continuing: "Come on, Rich, it's the same."

I didn't mean to laugh, but I would've thought he'd at least come up with something better than that. Even just "I love you" would've been enough. But I could tell that he was keeping in mind that I was new to this, I had never loved a man like he had. He had the power of experience, of the seducer; I had the power of the virgin, the possibility of saying no. Even so, he knew now that I would not say no - we didn't have to use words to express how we felt. The emotions flooding each-other as our hands touched was much stronger than any words could ever say.

I turned over and faced him, stroking his cheek with my hand. I smiled at him warmly, and he smiled back. We shared our first kiss then, dreamingly then searchingly. I melted in his arms, and he in mine. Then we began to make love, releasing the years of tension, heartbreak and anticipation that we had both had to endure. Our fears were gone, all restraint, and we only wanted more.

Part 2A