Part 18
The pre-'wedding' nerves are nothing unusual, so I wasn't surprised when, as our big day drew closer, the butterflies appeared in my stomach. But nothing could prepare me for the impact these nerves would have on me the day before our ceremony. I managed to maintain composure when Rich came home from work, but as he went into the bathroom for a shower, my heart was thumping frantically, I was breaking out in a sweat and I was frightening myself into having second thoughts. Flopping into a corner of the couch, I grabbed our cordless phone and dialled the first phone number that came into my mind.
"Justin, I don't think I can do this!" I blurted as soon as he answered the phone. Without waiting for a response I went on. "I want to have this union with Rich, nothing could make me happier, but i'm just so terrified that something horrible is going to happen and i'll be powerless to stop it!"
Justin chuckled gently. "Ah, it's the ever-familiar pre-wedding jitters, mate. Try to relax, it's only natural."
I took a deep breath and let it out slowly, feeling myself relax only a little. If Justin wanted to understannd my reasons for feeling so nervous, then I had to explain the real story behind the Allstars and why Rich and I didn't want to encounter Tim again.
"Do you remember me telling you about the other bandmate that Rich and I were having troubles with?" I asked.
"Yes."
"Well, he - Tim - he's the reason i'm feeling this way."
"I'm listening." In the background, I could hear Justin pulling up a chair.
"I...I was sharing his bed before Rich and I got together. I'd already broken it off beforehand, but Tim never got over it, and I suppose he thought I still had some obligation to him. He tried to get me back, subtly at first, but he gradually became more aggressive. At one point he somehow got me back into his bed. I still haven't worked out how he did it. His plan worked for about two months, during which Rich and I broke up, and so did our group. Rich and I got back together, of course, and we moved here. But Rich had a job lined up here. He would've started as soon as we arrived, but then his employer hired someone else. The employer never gave a good reason why, but I thought that Tim had some involvement. I have this horrible fear that he's coming closer and could throw our entire lives into jeopardy at any moment."
I could hear silence on Justin's line as he thought about what i'd just told him. I felt a little better getting my thoughts and my fears off my chest. In the time that i'd known Justin, i'd come to give him a little bit of trust, but I was still remaining cautious. All because of what Tim had done. There was no way I was going to be put through that kind of hell again, by anybody. In fact, I wouldn't give them the chance. But I liked Justin, and I was feeling more and more comfortable with him. So far he hadn't given me any reason to doubt him.
Finally Justin replied, "Paul, think about it. Would this person be so fixated on you that he'd follow you halfway around the world just to hurt you?"
"I don't think it's me that he wants to hurt. It's Rich. Tim hated the fact that I chose to be with Rich rather than him."
"Was your relationship with Tim anything more than physical?"
"No. It never went beyond that. But he doesn't seem to understand that I can't and could never feel for him the way I feel for Rich."
Another silence followed as he digested the information. In a way it felt strange confiding in someone I didn't really know very well, but in another way, it was cathartic. Rich and I would talk about it every now and then, but we tried to keep away from that subject. Because Justin had no ties with Tim, I felt safe having him know this information.
"Paul, the best advice I could give you is to simply enjoy your ceremony tomorrow, and put your fears out of your mind. It's meant to be the greatest day of your life."
"But what about Tim?" As we spoke, the butterflies in my stomach began to relax. "What if he's here?"
"You don't know that. For all you know, he could still be in Australia with his family. There's a chance that he may have finally decided to leave you be, right?"
"Well...yeah, it's a possibility. But i'm not sure."
"Exactly. Even if he is in England it wouldn't be easy to track you down. Unless you see him or have solid proof that he's come for you, don't let your worries plague you like this. I'm sure you don't want your memories of your ceremony to be clouded with dismay."
"No, I don't."
"Tomorrow will be special for both you and Rich. By doing this, you're vowing to spend your lives with each-other. I know you well enough to know that you won't let anything come in the way. So you don't have anything to worry about - even if he does reappear."
What Justin was saying made sense. I nodded as he helped to calm my nerves. "Yeah, you're right. You're absolutely right."
I heard someone speaking softly in the background whose voice I couldn't identify. Justin covered the phone with his hands and I could hear him hiss, "No, I don't want any part of this, don't drag me into it!" and returned to me.
"Paul, i'm sorry, I have to go. I hope i've at least given you a little peace of mind."
"You have. Thanks a lot, Justin."
"Have a wonderful day, alright? See you."
As I hung up, I felt much better than I did at the beginning of the conversation, but there was still something bothering me. What did he mean by "I don't want any part of this, don't drag me into it"? I know it was none of my business, but I couldn't help but feel slight concern.
But Justin was absolutely right. If Tim really wanted to hurt me or Rich, he would've already done so. I figured that he'd finally come to his senses and decided to leave us alone. If this was true, then we could enjoy our ceremony the next day devoid of any trepidation.
Settling back into the couch and placing the phone back on the table, I pushed all thoughts of Tim out of my mind. There was no way I was going to let anyone spoil our day.
-----
After dinner that evening I found myself stretched out on the same couch, staring up at the white roof and gently stroking the snoozing Mandy on my lap. Beside me, Rich was softly strumming his guitar, improvising with various melodies. After a while he began to play a tune that set off my creative juices. Random words appeared in my mind, then joined together to create a short lyric. As he played the same short tune over the over, I sang along.
"I was caught by your smile under a blushing moon...You were the only one left there..."
Rich stopped strumming and looked over at me, smiling. "Did you just think of that?"
I nodded and sat up, disturbing Mandy. I reached for a pen and paper sitting on the table and scratched Mandy behind the ears in apology as she jumped onto the floor. "Yeah, I did. I just heard that tune you were playing and the words just came to me. Could you play it again?"
"Sure." He placed his fingers on the correct strings and played it again as I closed my eyes and let the music inspire me.
The lyrics became "Shut Up/Kiss Me", the first song that Rich and I had written together after the group split. Later we would replace the guitar with a piano. We shared a wonderful feeling when we finished the song - a part of us were worried that we wouldn't be able to produce the same quality of music that we created during the Allstars days. But this song assured us otherwise - we still had our knack and could not only reach that same quality level, we could surpass it. We could only get better.
As we settled into bed later that night, snuggling close to each-other, it dawned on me that this would be the last night we'd spend together as simply boyfriends. In 24 hours, we would be life partners; we would've pledged to one another that we'd be true and good to each-other for eternity. Rich was everything I could want and more, and I would never let anyone or anything throw our relationship into jeopardy. Through turmoil we'd become stronger and closer.
But yet my thoughts turned to Tim, and I dreaded what he'd previously shown he was capable of doing. As sure as I was that Rich and I would never be apart, I knew that Tim wasn't quite finished with us.
Part 19